за all the english people

Двете нови...
Алекто Карол


-Short Character Bio
:


Alecto I a pure blood magician, grown up in the
perfect (for her) family. She has a brother. They have a strong relationship,
though they fight a lot. But even if they do, if something happens they would
have each other’s back. Alecto was extremely happy when she was sorted in
Slytherin 6 years ago and trough the years had seen it was no coincidence. She
is as violent and as crazy as any other in her house. Even a bit more. She has
never been the best student and has an interest in Black Arts that warns most
of her fellow friends from the other houses. As much as they are real friends,
of course. She trusts no one except her brother and her best friend –
Narcissia. Alecto has first had thoughts of wanting to become a deatheather
after graduation, at the age of 15. She and Amycus agree that wizards must have
superior over muggles. She yarns for the day she would graduate and help the
magix world take over the muggle.



-Roleplay sample IC :





“Amycus!
Where, in Merlin's beard is Mrs. Aitor?!” Alecto appeared furious in the common room.


“Your cat? How
could I know sis?” he played innocent, standing still in his seat. She
stood above him, hands put on her waist in a threatening position.


“Do not play dumb
with me brother. Who else has interest in her disappearance” she spits
angrily. She hated when he touched her stuff. From the cat, to the simple hair
ribbon. And she knew he despised that cat, so who else would pick on it? No one
would dare. “If I do not see Mrs. Aitor in few hours you`re gonna regret it
Amycus!” Alecto said and turned, flipping her hair over her shoulder.


She loved her
brother, yes. But he could so easily get on her nerves. He acted like a child
sometimes. How was he gonna do what they wanted to do… join those who want to
have the rights they deserve and punish those who need to be. She smiled to
herself, getting out of Slytherin`s Common Room and heading towards the Great
Hall. She wanted to think over some things. And then, she thought “No! Going to
the library” she exclaimed to herself in the middle of the corridor and turned
to its direction. She had to see some old potions for her exams, and, of course
she had to see those spells she`d been thinking of. But somehow she had to get
through to the Forbidden Section. If she only use some spell to make the
librarian give her access. But she couldn`t risk.


She heard footsteps
behind her and saw… Oh, Evan. Right now to come by? When she was so angry that
she could snap even at him. She met his gaze and nodded slyly, not wanting to
say a word. She would shout. She didn`t want to. Or did she?


“Ah, who do I see,
heading to the library like a nerd” she laughs sarcastically and raises her
perfect brows at his smile. That is his only response for now as he walks
beside her in the hall. She can`t stop thinking how the weather suits her mood
perfectly. Outside she could see dark and heavy clouds, getting ready to split
and pour down, disabling any outdoor activities. This was good. No magic
creatures will be seen today. Amazing! She didn`t like them. The Forbidden
Woods were as dark as they would be at night. Bu they didn`t scare her. They
never did. She knew she could handle everything scary there. And she usually
did when she and some others went to practice spells that shouldn`t be seen.


Her gaze flew back to
Evan.


‘So you would not
say even a simple “Hey”?’ she smiles again. She knew her comment had been
useless. She, herself, was going to the library. She looked at him expectantly,
heart beating just a bit faster, as it usually did around him.




Луси Уизли


A PARAGRAPH OF HOW YOU VIEW YOUR CHARACTER:


Lucy is
the not-properly-loved child in the Weasly family. Because she is a Slytherin,
unlike every other member of the family. Lucy is different. She likes to be a
bit bad, a bit too sexy for her looks. She, herself, doesn`t feel right in the
family and isn`t that close to potters. Or to Gryffindors in general. She is
good in Transfiguration and is proud of her skills in Defending from Black
Arts. Lucy feels no need in being close to her sister. She would never get over
the little sparkles of hatred for all that love towards her, being stolen from
the smaller girl.


WRITING SAMPLE:


Lucy
slammed the door. Every afternoon she would slam the door after dinner, as
always pissed off by the attitude her parents had for her. They didn`t even ask
her a question this evening. All was Molly. How was this Molly? How was that
Molly? Are you full Molly? Are feeling well darling? Blah! Could Lucy puke
already? She had always seen the biggest reason she was so invincible.
Slytherin. Her house. Ah, her favorite house. She loved the work the Sorting
Hat had done at her first day. Perfect house for the perfect little Weasley.
She was sure she would have died of the terror id she had gone to Gryffindor.
She was actually happy she was the one to break the tradition in the Weasley
housing.


She
looked around her green and silver room. The smallest in the house, but it
suited her. She was small too. Not extremely tall like most of the others in
the family. She way on her bed, putting her hands under her chin, admiring the
smiles her favorite Quidditch player was sending her from his poster. She was a
Quidditch fan. Not the biggest, but it worked. She has always wanted to get in
the team. And maybe this year she would. She rolled her eyes and her hand
stretched to her wand. 10 3/4 inches long, dragon core. Surprisingly squishy,
yew wood. She could say it in her dream over and over again as she adored her
wand. It lways has done its duty with no hesitation. She remembered that time
in Third year when she had used some new spells she had learned on Gryffindor
students. Good she never got punished, but loosing 10 house points wasn`t that
good either.


“I can
love home, if home loved me” Lucy murmured to herself pushing a red hair off
her face. She liked her hair color. And her eyes. Maybe the only good thing
that came by blood. And of course – pure blood thing. She was proud of it, as
it was getting extremely rare to find pure bloods. Even in Slytherin. Not that
there hadn`t been some bad bloods in the history of the Weasleys… but who
cared. She would never mention it and no one would know. Her light eyes went to
the poster again and she lay on her back. She liked her room. She liked her
house – at Hogwarts. She liked being what she was – the black sheep in the
perfect family. Well… How do you do Molly? This year you won`t be the only one
carrying the Weasley name who would be noticed

Фей Салватор

“Well, well, well. If it isn`t my big brother” was the first sound in the morning that Damon heard. When he opened his eyes he saw nothing more than he already expected. Faye. His little sister. She walked slowly to him, enjoying the sound of high heels ticking on the floor. She flipped her hair over her shoulder with a fast and harsh movement. Her smile grew larger when she saw her brother`s shock in his eyes. They haven`t seen each other for more than a century. “I guessed you hoped I`d be dead already and never be around you, now didn`t you:” Faye tossed herself on the bed looking sarcastically at her brother. The same dark hair, but why didn`t she get the blue eyes too?!
He sat on his bed, while Faye’s eyes headed towards her finger nails. Just polished. New centuries had so many cool things. Like this super short skirt she was wearing. And the shirt… leather jacket. Her sensitive ears heard abrupt movement at the back of the room and her body jerked up. “Stefan. I knew that if I find one I`ll find the other babies” she pulled him to her, laughing nastily and hugging them both in a super uncomfortable and strange hug. She had never been pretty close to them. “So… is it true you have a new Katherine standing between you? This should be fun! I must meet this new girl” she clapped her hands, raising her brows. She ignored her brothers` exchange of looks and lifted her shoulders as her fingers went to Damon`s stands. Then her eyes fell on the big mirror. “Aw, this is perfect. I want this room! Or at least the mirror. It allows me to enjoy my whole being” she turned around and looked at her body.
She was glad to be back. Although, the old big house looked too rusty and too old she liked it. It needed a bit of refreshment and redecoration. Maybe few people walking around to serve both drinks and blood. More light so she could enjoy her new light ring, made by some witch in Vegas. More purple. Red. Black. Maybe some red roses would make the atmosphere more bearable. Oh, and lots of dusting. She could already picture it. Her head jerked to her brothers again, though her eyes kept flying around, picturing the redecorations and paintings. “You are living like pigs. I should have known better that you need me!” she laughed again. Good, good. So much work and so little time. She wanted to enter the school. She was sure they had. And meet the kids. Not that she looked forward to actually meet them, than to start making them weep. Kick the leading cheerleader off her place. Do some work. Get the boys. That was just the usual. If she made a party... Aw it would be beautiful. “My bags are downstairs. I want a well lit room” she smiled, finally giving Damon a look. “Preferably on the frontal side, so I watch who comes and decide who to kill” she turned to Stefan. No need for an answer. She rushed outside, her face as still as it could be. She never smiled when alone. Almost never….

Selfpara 1

After Amethyst left Roxy just laid in the hospital bed and looked at
the ceiling. She could not see how was she able to still be Am`s best
friend when inside she felt so empty that it scared her. She could only
stare, she didn`t even want to think. She was glad that Seth had told
her that they hadn`t actually slept, but that didn`t change anything.
She knew people would call her crazy or dramatizing or anything like
that… she still wasn`t dating him, right? Why take everything in this
way. Both Seth and Am asked her something with this meaning. But
couldn`t they see? Couldn`t they hear her screaming in the inside? That
girls that she had locked for more then 3 years, deep inside. The one
that actually felt guilty for the thing it did.

She was running her nails down her arm, scratching lightly, or not.
She didn`t know or care. She didn`t feel any pain except the one in her
leg and heart. She wanted to figure herself, but she couldn`t. She knew
none of the answer she asked herself. Why did she like him so much? What
changed everything? Why the hell did she feel this way? And so on, and
so on. So many question, none answers, so many feelings, no medicine to
make them numb. It must have been more then an hour since Am left her,
the nurse has been comin in and out, looking at Roxy with
suspiciousness… probably had her point, but Roxy was too tired now.
Seemed like someone didn`t want her dead, no matter what she tried.
Tough, third time was the charm, right? She didn`t have ideas how would
she try, but she was definitely gonna. She didn`t want to keep on living
meaningless and not loved or even cared for. She must have fallen
asleep. Next thing she knew was a soft hand going down her cheek and
hummed voices in the far side of the room.

Roxy opened her eyes slowly, almost scared of what she would see. But
it was no one that concerned her that much. Just her mom. She looked at
Roxy with that too caring look that Roxanne had never liked. It didn`t
suit her mom as she was actually never that caring.

“Roxanne, finally, we`ve been here for hours” her mom said with her smoker`s heavy voice and her hand moved down to Roxy`s.

“I`m happy you`re here?” Roxy said with an askin
tone and looked to her father. He was speaking with her doctor. That
wasn`t good. Where was Am? She was supposed to stand by her side and
tell her parents that it was all an accident. She knew how daddy would
overreact even more than her mom. How could have his little pumpkin
fallen of the window of her room!? She could almost imagine.

Roxy kept to herself all her emotions, her mom never understood her
and boy talk was not her father`s best side. She starred ahead, watching
at her daddy`s face as he talked to Doctor Lambert and started getting
worried of what the woman would say. Will she say why she was here? Did
she even know? Would she tell them of today and the pills. Would she
tell them to take her to a psychiatry and put her under strict control
and regular therapist`s visits? Would she talk as Am would talk? Roxy
felt herself starting to sweat and was glad when the Doctor and her
daddy finally approached her and her mom.

“Roxanne”, was the only thing her daddy managed to
say, before sitting on the chair next to her mom and put his face in his
left hand, while his right one rested on his waist and he looked like
the Thinker statue, but much, much more disappointed. So she had told
him. Roxy bit her lip and looked at her hands, playing with her fingers.
Her doctor began to talk about post-traumatic stress and stuff how it
was normal for her to be confused and how after the accident nothing
would be exactly the same. She talked to her parents how Roxy would need
some visits to the hospital`s therapist and she would be at least two
weeks with the bandage on her leg… just peachy. Her mom soon started
asking questions. She didn`t stop until she knew all the boring details
of how Roxy`s foot will get better and if there would be side effects
that would stay for all her life. She asked how could have the nurses
let her not drink her pills and was getting all mad about Am`s asking to
stop her painkillers. That was the first good new since they came. The
doctor went to the near drawer and soon a dose of painkiller was
injected in her bloodstream and she felt almost immediate how the paint
went off. She nodded thankfully.

Then her parents left her alone. That`s what she needed. They said
they`d stick around till she`s out and walking. She was glad they still
didn`t have much of which to shout at her for trying to kill herself,
but that was probably cause they were still in shock. As soon as they
left she buried her head in her pillow.

“I know the fall wasn`t an accident” the doctor started when her
parents left. “You`re a teenager.. It happens. People make mistakes. I
can understand that” she kept on as Roxy pretended to ignore her, but
actually listened as she was the firs adult that talked with her. Tough
she wouldn`t talk back if she was asked. “Be with your friends and try
to figure it out. Don`t fight the therapy. It will be good for you
Roxanne” with that she went out. Roxy stood there in her bed and as the
woman went out of the room she closed her eyes and start humming that
same song…

Selfpara 2




First day of therapy… Roxy wasn`t keen on that. She didn`t want to
go, but how could she say no to daddy? That`s right, she couldn`t. So
now the nurse was pushing her wheeling chair down the hospital corridor
and soon they were in front of the big black door that Rox was both
afraid to open and determined to get over it it. She watched as the
nurse opened it with he skinny hand and pushed the wheels herself. The
door clunked loudly and Roxy saw her therapist for the first time. She
was sitting on her big chair next to the bed Rox was supposed to lay in,
with her glasses on her head, her eyes piercing a notebook and her hand
swiftly moving along the pages. She was all in black, almost melting in
the black chair.

She made Roxy get up and go to the bed and lay down. But she didn`t
want to lay and talk about her feelings. This wasn`t goin to be one of
those heartbreaking therapies when people would spill out everything
they had in them and then feel better. She had nothing to tell. But then
again Mrs East made her talk. So what she could talk about? Am.. that
was the best topic. She talked how she always wanted to help her and
feel her better, how she loved listening to her drama and give her
advices, how even now she would make her smile. Then she talked on how
she saved her from the pills and how she didn`t like it. Roxy even told
her how much she disagreed with Am now, on thing she used to tell her
she should do. How much she hated her, even just a bit, that she had
saved her after that overdose. She expected Mrs East to say something
after the mention of the second suicide, but she didn`t. So Roxy went on
talking about her best friend. She finished with all the good thing she
had to say for her, with everything that she could talk about, for the
boys in her life, for her worries and her insecurities. When she could
not thing of anything more there was still plenty of time left. And the
therapist wouldn`t say anything but a shallow “Mhm” every time she told
something new. Now Roxy had nothing to say, as she didn`t want to speak
of herself. So she just started saying Am`s bad sides.. How she always
thinks she is less than really, how she would go all talking about
herself even when Roxy felt like being silent or wanting her to push
further for her feelings… How jealous she was for beinghisbest friend…
Tough she couldn`t even say his name yet, cause she`d start talking
about him. She talked about how Am was too insecure and wouldn`t
appreciate all that she got, how boys would always go after her and she
won`t even realize it. She talked about Am a whole hour and a half,
sitting on the bed, looking from her therapist to the window, to her
hands and basically, to everything that was visible. She still had time
tough so she started standing there silent at first.She thought of many
things, her mind spun trough all the things she had said and hated
herself for doing so. She had told all Am`s secrets and shit and now a
white-haired woman in the office would know them.

“Can I just leave” she asked Mrs East and shifted
nervously in her seat. The woman looked at her for long, her gaze
piercing her, making her feel even more uncomfortable then she already
did.

“No, we still have time” her tone was quiet and kind, but demanding. So Roxy just had to turn back to her and stare at her hands.”Why
don`t you tell me on how do you fell of this Am girl? Why do you
consider her a best friend, why do you get mad at things she do, why do
you talk with her”

Roxy was confused of the questions… Didn`t she just answer them in this hour and a half? “Well…
I told you everything I have about her. And… I consider her as a best
friend because… I don`t know I care about her just as I used to care of
myself, and that has not happened since I was tenth grade and my cousin
was my best friend. I feel like I can tell her almost anything. Tough
she keeps secrets from me, and she tells people about stuff about me.
Like she told him that I like someone before I told him myself, she
would tell him many thing that go with me, she told my cousin the reason
I was in the hospital… and I just don`t like people who I didn`t trust
myself knowing my secrets and doings. I hated it when she made me admit I
like him because of my promises and now look what happened. This was
one of the reasons I didn`t allow myself to like a person, because
something always get wrong and she didn`t listen to me, she made me talk
of him and to him and I was stupid enough to do that. Besides I
sometimes feel like she is either too good in trying to distract me or
she neglects my feelings. We almost always talk about her… Like when she
found me… in my bed, she called the nurse. Then she said she hated me
and then we started talking about her and Shawn again…. I know I
wouldn`t have told her anything else but what I said but it`s just… yes
she was yelling how could I have done it and stuff, but it passed. And
I`m just not sure that I would ever be able to talk of myself only
without us going on her many boys issue. And she can`t understand that I
envy her for having all of them… Yes, she normally ends up hurt, but
that last just few days before another pretty guy comes and we start it
all over again with her insecurity! And I can`t see why she is so
insecured. She is pretty, she is smart, she is slim, she has humor, she
has everything. She has boys who keep telling her they love her and I
always get screwed and dumped and I hadn`t heard the words I love you
from anyone then girlfriends and my parents and Jack, who used to tell
me this once in a while, but it isn`t much. People wouldn`t tell me this
and I envy her so much that all these boys love her and she doesn`t
even appreciate it. ” Roxy was talking with her face low down and tears
running in her eyes and down her cheeks and chin, falling on her
hospital cover. “When she comes to me I know she would come and say, he
asked me out, or he told me he loved me… even when they dump her they
say I love you and she still isn`t ok with it, she still can`t
appreciate all the love that she gets… when I last told her that she
deservesd love like everyone she told me he loved me, but that is just
not true. He never even told me he liked me back. And just few days ago
it wouldn`t matter and I would be only happy for her, but now I want to
be loved too. I don`t want to work with her love life while mine makes
me go mad… I think she doesn`t even know I still don`t want to live and
that all is acting just not to hurt her. It hurts me tough cause she
can`t say that all I do, I do it for her and every time she leaves me I
am just searching for something that would help me get rid of my life
and I would let her try and go with Kacey, because I`m sure she still
loves him, no matter what she says. And I`m just taking him away from
her, just to hurt them both and I… I” she started sobbing and
her body shook in a cry and she covered her face with her hands,
embarrassed by her emotions. She couldn`t believe she had just told
someone all of this, has said out loud her thoughts that she had never
even dared to form fully in her min. She realized she told her she still
wants to kill herself. She mentioned his name and that she liked him…

Her therapist stood there for a long time, not talking. Roxy didn`t
even bother wondering what would she write in her book later, what was
she thinking now. She just wanted to get out already. But they still had
time. and so Mrs East had time to ask more. “Why does love seem as the most important thing? Tell me more of this Kacey boy and Am”
she said with a firm tone. And Roxy kinda wanted to answer. Because she
had never told anyone this and this woman would listen. Like she was in
a company but alone, not talking to the wall.

“Because I always wanted love. Even when me and Jack broke up
and I started changing, making boys believe it didn`t matter. I`ve
always wanted someone to actually like me for more then one use and then
I always imagined how he would take me on a date and we would go out
again and we would date and how in time, he would say me he loves me, he
would say ho pretty I am without feeling the need to say it just
because he is drunk or is in my bed” she blushed, her eyes
still wet. This was the first adult that knew for her sleeping around
and was sure she would be the last one. “I don`t want to talk of him”
she gave her answer, that she`s been giving everyone lately. And good
thing she didn`t start, cause the clock rang. Roxy spun up, ignoring the
pain in her leg and slowly walked to her wheeling chair and sat in it.
The woman didn`t say anything but “Mhm” and let Roxy just nod and push
her way out of the room. She hated it! She hated herself for saying all
these thing, for letting so much out. She hated her therapist for
looking so calm and ready to listen with no judgment. She didn`t want to
come again! She didn`t want to ever talk of her feelings again.

She wiped her tears with anger and ignored the nurse, who wanted to
help her. She spun with her wheeling chair, seeing the stairs that were
just straight and went for them. But they cut off her way… not on
purpose but they did.. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe she`d do it and break her
neck or her spine and stop the misery, leave Am be happy without hurting
her, let her be with Kacey, not taking him just for her… not that she
planned on that, but she knew Am won`t do anything if she still liked
him still.. and they both knew she did… The chair turned and with a
blank face she went to her room, shutting the door and climbing on her
bed, starting to cry, covering her face with a pillow.

Selfpara 3



Second therapy, fifth day in the hospital, two days since her second
try to kill herself. This were the numbers Roxy had in her mind,
spinning. Maybe the last thing should be one, as she was ready to trow
her wheel-chair down the stairs. But Am helped her a bit. She slept with
all the toughs, waking up with a wet mark under her face, eyes still
wet. She must have had a bad dream… or maybe it was still from
yesterday. She wasn`t ready to sit there and talk again, but she had to,
cause her daddy had checked after Am yesterday, asking her how it went,
then going to Mrs East to ask her too. It seemed as he was glad cause
when he came to wish her goodnight, he was smiling and kissed her on her
forehead before leaving her to go to sleep.

Roxy`s hand shook a bit as she leaned on her crutches and pushed the
door handle down and the door squeaked as it opened and Roxy went in,
half hopping, half walking. She sat without being asked and leaned
ahead, biting her nail. Mrs East stood there, watching her trough her
tiny glasses, before putting them on her head and opening her notebook
for a second. “I see that we finished with the topic of Kacey and Am?”
she asked and left everything away on her lap. Roxy looked at her, not
sure if she should start talking about it.

“Yes…” was her response at first. There was some
song playing as background and it made her nervous. she watched the
window for a while and then started slowly… She had two hours, she had
to do something. And no matter how much she denied it, she felt better
after talking about Am yesterday. She felt her even closer, tough no one
would ever know of that conversation. “Am is his best friend. They are
both second year. When we met I wanted to just try it with him as with
any other boy, but he just kept silent and distant most of the time… He
asked me questions and looked as if he was interested. I was curious and
asked him too… We hung almost all afternoon just talking and then I
decided he`d be my friend.. but then time started passing and we would
talk, Am would talk about him. She liked him. And she kept telling me
that it`s OK if I like him, cause he didn`t fancy her. But I didn`t. I
mean… ever since this one time when I got cheated on I promised I would
never let myself fall for someone. But somehow he was getting to me… I
think it was when we were together one night that I realized it. He
asked me to go and watch the stars then we just.. stood there and
talked, then held hands.” Roxy smiled to herself… there were always
butterflies when she thought of that night, how he watched her and how
his fingers felt against her. She felt her eyes filling with tears as
she talked of him, wanting to just dig her nails in her skin. And she
did, scratching her palms, avoiding to look at them, so Mrs East won`t
see “We parted with only a hug, I wasn`t able to even look at him then. We were still friends. And
we kept it like this, until this once when there was a party… Me and
Am were the only one left along with her roomie - Nirvana… we were
drunk. We started playing truth and dare. And somehow Am made me say I
liked him” she took a deep breath and sighed.. she felt strange every
time she remembered that night. ” I panicked, I told myself that now I
won`t be able to even talk with him, avoided him for weeks… Then finally
I told him I liked him… All seemed ok, hen he kept disappearing, I felt
not loved, I wanted to feel loved and I cheated… this was the worst
thing I could do.. he has been cheated on by his ex, I had been too. And
I suddenly felt cheap… dirty… bad. I didn`t want to hurt him, cause I
would hurt myself, cause when I with him… I hurt when he does, I smile
when he does, I thin of him almost always, I want to talk of him, and to
know that he talks of me… I didn`t want anything like that to happen so
I just got drunk and… jumped ” Roxy looked down and shrugged. This
woman was the first person who knew the exact reason. With no going
around it. She fried her eyes. “Now I went to avoiding. I don`t want him
to like me or to be my friend, cause I`ll keep hurting him… with hits
under the waist. I just can`t… and there is Am… I keep telling her she
should try again. She still loves him I am sure and I just want them
both to be happy and I keep thinking that if I weren`t here they would
have been and.. and” starts sobbing again. “I am always just the
disaster and don`t want to keep up. I wanted to actually have him. He is
so nice and sweet, and everything that Jack wasn`t and which no one is
for me” tear goes down her cheek “But now I ruined it all cause that is
what I do… and so if I am gone I can let him be happy with Am and her to
be happy with him, cause I know he is the one for her, they are just so
alike.. I am the pile of garbage that someone threw between them and
they can`t get over cause of the stench” she was crying now, while her
therapist stood there motionless, looking at her. She was feeling worse
and worse, talking about him, feeling how she has betrayed his trust
before getting it full, how she gave up on him before she even had him
first.Mrs East talked then.. she tried to calm her and tell her how
things happen and everyone does mistakes.. just like her Doctor had
said. She talked how this mistake should not make her want to take her
life away. But what did she know? She hadn`t been trough all the things
Roxy has been trough. And she can only talk, no feelings to get in
it.She stopped listening as the feelings were spinning inside her,
making her hurt, making her confused, but most of all, making her feel
like a cad person. Cause maybe she was. Has she always been one.
It
took her long to calm down.. Probably one whole hour had passed out of
the two. Be who cared, she didn`t want to talk anymore. Talking made her
think, thinking made her ache. But she made her talk more. She seemed
to do only that. “Tell me your views of love Roxanne.
You said you wanted to be loved yesterday. But how do you view love”Roxy
took a shallow breath and watched her hands. “Love… it is mainly
somethin I lack.. It is a pretty thing. When you love someone you always
do anything for him. You… you get hurt when he does” she said and then
shut up. She realized she was gonna tell everything she had told about
feeling towards Kacey. She looked up with a terrified look at her
therapist who just said one of her long Mhmmms and nodded. Roxy felt her
eyes filling with tears again and her hand flew to cover her mouth and a
scared gasp that was on its way out. She couldn`t watch her smile. It
couldn`t be true. She didn`t know him that good. That long… She spun up,
and grabbed her crutches, bouncing out of the room as fast as she can,
ignoring Mrs East`s shout. She kept jumping and trying to ignore the
pain in her leg and she succeeded just enough to reach the elevator and
hit the button “UP”.. to the upper part… to the roof… No, she wasn`t
thinking of jumping now. She waited as the elevator rose and then when
the doors opened she just limped ahead and her back slammed the nearest
wall. Her body fell on the ground and she pulled herself into a ball as
much as she could with her broken leg.. Her breath had calm down, but
her heart hadn`t… “It`s just not possible” she told herself, but as she
watched the sky she couldn`t help but hum the song Am sang to her… the
one Kacey had written… She was screwed… Too much

Selfpara 4


Roxy felt good today. Better and just a bit happier. She could feel
those butterflies in her stomach again. It has been whole two days since
that revelation hit her. She laid in her bed most of the time, ignoring
her mom when she came to see her, smiling forcefully to her daddy when
he would stood on her place. Am had been gone for a bit and didn`t text
her or anything, but Roxy was ok with it. She had time to think all to
herself, no one bugging her, even not her therapist as this was gonna be
the third and last visit so she told her they`d meet in two days time.

When she would get up it was okay cause she would not think but only
try to ignore the pain and keep up. But when she sat or laid back her
mind suddenly would be boomed by thousands of confused thoughts. She
wouldn`t want that to happen but couldn`t avoid it. She was already
regretting of being so God damned happy about loving him cause it wasn`t
supposed to be that way. She couldn`t love him. She didn`t know him. Or
at least not well. Not that good. So how could she? Guess it was time
to get everything worked out, cause nurse came to take her to Mrs East…
And lately that has been the only place where she could think well and
straight.

She got up from the hospital bed and slowly sat in the wheeling
chair. She didn`t want to risk it with her crutches, or more like didn`t
want to feel the pain. Her painkillers didn`t work much… She sat there
and let her pale and skinny nurse push her trough the withe corridors,
full of doctors and people, who came here to see people they loved…
people they loved. People they cared for. She watched her hands, staring
at her nails, not even seeing how her red nail polish had started to go
off, how her fingers trembled scared on her lap. She just sat and
stared blankly, unseeing. Soon they reached the cabinet and the door
open, then closed silent and left Roxy with the white haired woman, and
the quiet music that seemed to always be playing as a background. At
first she just stared ahead. What would they speak of now? What would be
the questions that would make her sob?

“Won`t we talk?” Roxy asked with the ghost of a smile on her face. Mrs East nodded silently. ‘What of? I talked of the two people that mean most to me right now. They have most to do with this”
she waved as if she could visualize the events from the past week. She
didn`t need to speak of her mom and daddy, they weren`t involved, nor
was Shelby or any other person in Hadley. Well maybe Jack and Seth, but
what was the use. So who was left? Roxanne. Yep, she hadn`t spoke only
of herself. Or at least not only of herself.

“Start with whatever you like” Mrs East said, like if reading her thoughts.

“I… I don`t know. I guess this all have started way back..
and has just been waiting to come out… but Why should I talk of this?
Old Roxy is gone. She ain`t comin back no matter how she wants. It just
isn`t possible” she mumbled, more to herself. Dorky Roxy has
always been there. She always has been waiting for a chance to come up
and become all touchy and easily hurt. Self confidence wasn`t that easy
to built, It had taken Foxy Roxy to get it over a whole year

“Then tell her” the therapist says with a firm tone, sounding completely serious.

“How am I supposed to tell my past self that she ain`t coming?” Roxy asked with a confusion. Was she joking or messing around? She may be suicidal and stuff but she was not schizophrenic…

“With talking Roxanne. Talking is the key to feeling well.
Talk with her as if you are telling me all to me. Talk for whatever you
wish. This is why I am here. To listen to you and help you. The only way
left to help you is if you finally understand your own feelings”
she was just too calm while saying this. Roxy snored irritated and
wiped her face with her hand. How can this woman make talking to
yourself seem okay?

“Roxy” she started with a frowny face and pursed her lips. “We
both know how we got here… Shelby came, we wanted her fame and love. We
became like that. Jack became more then a friend. And then things
screwed. We had a week of staying in our room… cutting our wrists…
drinking and smoking while mom and daddy were away… I remember you
thought how miserable you are.. how you can`t make anything better. And
then I came. And I`d say right on time. I told myslef.. What`s the use
in loving and taking… They`d just break your heart. There`s no such
thing as love and they just use you” Roxy talked in the most
bold tone she could make out right now and sounded as if she was talking
to an invisible sister of hers… It was too strange. But she continued.
If that was gonna make her get over all thoughts of dying, she`d do it.
As she was talking the images would jump in front of her, circling
around her eyevision and the passing. “And we kept on.. or more
like I kept on living by that. I never allowed us to feel anything then
desire or pleasure… or hatred. Years flew away, two passed, out feelings
were still behind that wall that we`ve built… Behind it, getting worse
and worse… I thought that wall would never break. I thought” her voice turned to piteous as her eyes filled with the tears that this room would aways summon. “When I came here… at first we were okay… Kacey was just another boy that we aimed to get in bed”
she wasn`t even ashamed of talking like this now. That`s what her
thought were… That was who she was and there was no need to be
embarrassed. “But then we would go out. Those things behind the
wall started to grow, wanting to get out. It was hard. It is hard
knowing that this may be all my fault… Only mine and no one else`s…
maybe my ideas of love and your aren`t the same… or are they. I don`t
know” Roxy looked out of the window, letting all the tears just run down
her face. “But what I know is that I wasn`t meant to love, cause I`m
just not able to get over the pain that comes with it. I am weak … years
made me this. Many mistakes made me like this. All this time that I
suppressed the feelings, all the time I would just
ignore my thought of love and would do anything to not hear them… drugs,
boys, hate and drinks, and parties, and pot, and smokes, and… all of my
life since then… I am just still a scared little girl, cause I didn`t
let us grow… In the aspect of being able to see and understand what
people go trough… Now I feel like this wall broke and when it crumpled
to pieces… it was too much” she put her hand on her face, her
eyes flickering around the room, finally stopping on a small painting of
green hills and orange sky with sun glowing down. She tried to imagine
if she was there… Sun warming her skin and drying her tears as they
fell, a dazzled feeling that would come in her as she would stare at the
sun… And then another Roxy came… she was so dark and so gloomy… As if
she was in another place, a dusky place that there was no sun, no way to
see her grumpy face and the hate that radiated from her eyes… Maybe
these were they… And they never were apart.

Roxy`s eyes were still on the painting but her mind was somewhere
else… Still on that hill. Her eyes were observing the gloomy Roxanne
that proceeded slowly towards her and felt as if a chilly air was
radiating to her. The sun would cover in clouds… and clouds would be
separated from clear sky with a single, straight line. She put her hand
up at the direction of the glum girl but she didn`t stop. Hills turned
rocky behind her and there would come fog, as if she dragged it after
her, keeping it on a leash and telling it where to go. Roxy`s eyes
widened as she saw the other one, covered in sunlight that caressed her
face and bare skin on her toes and hands. They stared at eachother for
long. “Is this real?” the voice was barely audible and the girl
in light nodded. The girl in the shadows sat. And Roxy didn`t know if
she was going all crazy or the pills they gave her made her see this all
from the far off end of the hills, a place that was neither sunny, nor
gloomy. She watched as the girls spoke to eachother. What? She could not
hear. But they seemed to be happy with eachother. Maybe this was a
metaphor that Roxy`s mind gave her to show her how it looked inside her
head. And she could see that she was neither of them. She was both in
one. Was this what she wanted to tell herself. That she had never been
apart from Old Roxy but just far away?

“I think… I just aways wanted to let myself feel, but was scared”
she said out loud, still starring at the hills, her eyes seeing a still
picture, but her mind watching as the girls got closer to eachother
without moving, as the world was getting smaller, was getting them
together, light and darkness, good and bad. “I think I am just
too afraid to let people in. But somehow Am and Kacey got under my skin…
They reached to me and I let them… With that hurting both of them. I
think my problem isn`t not caring for anyone, but caring for them too
much. Cause I love them both and no matter how much I wanna change that I
can`t”

She finally dragged her eyes back to the therapist and wiped all her tears. She watched her. “I
think my problems are not love itself, but love as I understand it. I
need to kept them in so they could show, but I can`t make myself. I am
just too afraid” the end of the sentence came as a whisper. She nodded. Her clock announced time was up, but Roxy didn`t get up. “I
think maybe this all came from too long ago. Not even from Jack… from
this boy… he used to be our next best friend… and he was older. I was
eleven. He was 15. He said I`m a good best friend and asked if I wanted
to have fun. I said sure, we always had fun. But he didn`t call Jack. He
just took me there, on the ceiling above his room and said we must have
fun as big girls and boys do… I didn`t. And he hit me. We would do that
often and he would always hit me. Then he left… but I felt betrayed… I
felt he wasn`t my friend and feared everyone would betray me like that.
And normally they did… Maybe that`s were it all comes from. Maybe I
should have said someone about that. But you are the first one. And I
feel horrible for just telling it out loud. I am afraid” she started pitching her voice to a whisper again. “I
may be now 18, almost 19, but I am still afraid of what may have
happened then, I`m scared of how that changed my life, how it made me
think I can`t trust anyone but myself, and how my faith has been making
me suffer from my trust. Maybe I overdramatize a lot. I just am that
person.”

With that Roxy got up. She would never look at this cabinet again.
That was a secret, that she`d buried deep down behind that wall, behind
many many walls and she threw the key away. Sometimes she would find
that key and walls would open, doors would unlock and that secret would
come out. Now it did as she was watching that strange image in her head.
She turned her back to Mrs East and got in her wheeling chair. “I know this all must be confident.. Please don`t betray that”
she said with her voice and went out. She would leave in two days.. As
she closed the window she threw that key away again. She hoped she
wouldn`t find it again soon. She just pushed the memories behind those
walls and locked them… Locked them and tried to imagine what would
happen if actually let Kacey in. Maybe he won`t betray her… He won`t
make her feel bad. But she already did that for him. Maybe she can ask
for them to start from the beginning. And she could start over with the
knowledge that Old Roxy and New Roxy never existed… Only Roxanne did.
And she had always been just a confused girl